Facts Of Life Which You Didn't Know, #11

NS is worth only SGD$5000.

Note: I am in no way claiming credit for the above article, which was taken from The Straits Times' Forum. I believe the author of the article would not be ashamed to have his name published for writing his article (even though in some sense, it belongs to ST). I am also in no way gaining/making/earning any profits or personal gains from reproducing this article.

*Update*: Apparently, NS is worth $3000. This amount is the same amount that the woman was fined. You know, the one who tried to bring in two roasted geese but was caught at the airport by the authorities.

Nasty Tricks #2 (aka The Handphone Trick) Disclaimer

This post was taken from the Straits Times' Forum. I am not claiming credit for it, and nor am I making any money or personal gains from re-producing this article. (Note the boxed-up article in red)

It wasn't me, I swear.

The Law Of Conservation Of Happiness...

Statement:

Happiness is never created, nor can it be destroyed. It can only be transferred. The total amount of net happiness present in this world, is zero.

Proof:

1. When a group of boys are playing football at the void deck of your neighbouring block of flats at 0200hrs in the morning, they become happy.

2. You become unhappy, because they make a hell lotta noise.

3. You call in the cops to investigate this domestic disturbance, and then you become happy.

4. The cops become unhappy, having to answer the call by sending out a patrol car in the dead of the night.

5. You see the cops arrive at the scene, and your happiness increases at the thought of the boys who will be punished.

6. However the boys playing soccer have already escaped before the arrival of the cops, and thus the boys in blue become more unhappy when they see that there is nobody at the scene of the disturbance.

7. The boys playing soccer escaped with the largest net positive profit of happiness. You gain a small amount of positive profit happiness since the disturbance has ceased to be (although not eradicated totally). The boys in blue are at the losing end with the largest negative loss of happiness, having been called out in the dead of the night, AND finding out that there is no source of noise disturbance to investigate.

Net of large amount of happiness in the boys playing soccer + Net of small amount of happiness in you = Net of large amount of unhappiness in the cops

Moving the RHS to the LHS, we see that the equation equals to 0. QED.

How To Cheat In The Examinations With 3 GUARANTEED Ways!

1. The Deaf Man

Wear a hearing aid look-alike to the examination hall. What you want the device to do, is entirely of your own creativity. You can either install a recording of your notes in audio format (great for those closed-book exams), or you could have a paid person at the other end being your "lifeline" (great for those open-book exams!).

You can rest assured that NOBODY will ever demand for you to take off your "hearing-aid" for inspection.

If that REALLY happens, just kick up a big ruckus that the school is trying to discriminate against people who are deaf.

2. Wear A Cap

Wear a cap to the examination hall, preferably a light-colored cap, and with a long tongue too. Write all the secret formulas required, UNDER the tongue of the cap, so that nobody else can see them except yourself.

Again, you can rest assured that you will not be demanded to take off your cap for inspection. Just lower your head over your script most of the time, otherwise your eyeballs will give you away if somebody sees them uncannily looking upwards all the time.

3. Paradoxic Twins

Have a twin who dresses like you, and looks like you exactly. And taking the same module of course. You only need to study 50% of the contents, whereas your evi.. oops ermmm.. twin, just studies the remaining 50%. This is specialisation at its best!

Now go to the examination hall, and finish up all the questions that you have only studied for (since you didn't prepare for the other half, don't be suicidal and attempt the remaining questions!) Then pretend to have a stomachache, and go to the toilet to hide it out. Now your evil, oops, erm.. twin, should by then have finished his portion also, and pretended to need to go to the toilet as well. Now both of you are in the toilet. You both look the same, dress the same, everything's the same (including your stupid brains, since you had to resort to this trick)!

Okay, so leave the toilet one at a time, and return to your twin's seat, not your own. Help him to finish up the other half, while your twin helps you to finish your other half. You both will have perfect A-grade scripts, ready for handing up!

PS: If you look ugly and short, it would be a bonus in executing this high-risk maneouver, since nobody gives a flying shit about short and ugly twins and notices them.

How To Survive In The Real World, Rule #10

To survive in the real world, there are two most important skills you must pick up:

1.) The Art of Holding Balls

2.) Playing with Politics

Campers: The Fake, The True And The Hardcore

Campers: Defined as students who come to school to study or revise their work.

A true camper is one who stays until late into the night around school, leaving only when it really is too late (before the last bus leaves), or when they are forced to go home (because the venue for studying is closed for the night).

A hardcore camper is one who brings along sleeping bags and food to last them throughout the night. Sometimes hardcore campers come together and do rotating shift duty in school. There will always be one man (or woman) guarding their location somewhere in school (that is open 24hrs of course), as well as their pile of rations and sleeping bags.

A fake camper, well, is just a stupid person who just comes to school to find a spot to sit, sleep or just idle the time away in between their lessons. These group of people like to pick the hot spots good for studying, depriving the true and hardcore campers.

They come for just a couple of hours, and then leave before the sky turns dark.

A word of advice to these fake campers: Go HOME, you idiots. Don't take up seats in school that could otherwise provide more "utility" for hardworking students. If you want to stay, stay until the night. If you have that one or two hours to burn in between lessons, go find some noisy spot with all the other fake campers to while the time away. DO NOT deprive others who wish to maximise their time. Don't come just for 30 mins to a couple of hours, and then quickly pack up and run along back home.

Oh yes, and a fake camper never comes to school on Public Holidays and weekends.

Get lost, you weird freaks.