Description:
Coming up to you in NUS and telling your their cock-and-bull story about their long-lost relatives and their dire need of money.
In short, wanting to extort money from you.
What You Need:
01 x Determination (so as to not let them out-talk you into giving your money)
01 x Courage (in case things turn ugly and you need to fend them off physically)
01 x Handphone with the number "6874 1616" stored inside for easy dialing.
With regards to item number 3 in the list of requirements, you can store the number with the name: CAMPUS SECURITY.
How To Do It:
Method 1:
When you are approached in school by these conmen/con-women who wants to cheat you of your money, tell them YES YES OKAY I CALL MY FRIEND TO BRING YOU THE MONEY.
Now call the number you've saved as CAMPUS SECURITY, and then speak loudly in the phone, the below sentence:
"HEY HELLO! SOMEBODY HERE WANTS SOME MONEY FROM ME, CAN YOU PLEASE BRING THE MONEY TO <your current location>?"
Then tell the conmen to wait there with you while your friend (CAMPUS SECURITY) brings the money for them.
Method 2:
Point them in the direction of the nearest canteen or hall residence, citing that you have no money on you, but there will be PLENTY of their native countrymen who will be there willing to give them the money.
Method 3 (applies only if you are approached by the con-women):
Tell them you have no money on you, and direct them to either Geylang or Joo Chiat Road. Say that there will be people there willing to give them the money they need in return for "small favours".
If the con-women acts blur or insists she doesn't know what you mean, tell her DON'T WORRY, JUST GO THERE FIRST. THERE ARE PLENTY OF YOUR NATIVE COUNTRY-WOMEN TO HELP YOU THERE AND GUIDE YOU ALONG.
How To React If You're Caught:
Hmm... wait. There's no chance of you getting caught here! You aren't doing anything despicable here, it's the other party who's doing the despicable act!
In any case, if you manage to execute Method 1, and they are succesfully apprehended, just remember to point your fingers at them after they get inside the patrol car. Then laugh loudly 3 times and be on your way.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Saturdaily: The Attack Of The Clones
Friday nights can be late nights for most of us, as it marks the beginning of a weekend. It may be a night of late night relaxation filled with night activities, which means you will be sleeping late.
So you sleep late on a Friday night, and wake up a little later than the usual weekday timings on a Saturday morning.
But you don't get to sleep late every Saturday.
The fucking HDB Council, for some weird reason, likes to hire the grass-cutter workers by the truckloads only on Saturdays (at least, where I live).
No, it's not Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or Sunday. It must be a Saturday.
So they come mowing by the truckloads on Saturday mornings, marching on the grass plains ala Star Wars style like the clone troopers.
You never get to sleep late and wake up fully rested on a Saturday morning.
What the fuck is wrong with these @#$#@!@# people.
So you sleep late on a Friday night, and wake up a little later than the usual weekday timings on a Saturday morning.
But you don't get to sleep late every Saturday.
The fucking HDB Council, for some weird reason, likes to hire the grass-cutter workers by the truckloads only on Saturdays (at least, where I live).
No, it's not Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or Sunday. It must be a Saturday.
So they come mowing by the truckloads on Saturday mornings, marching on the grass plains ala Star Wars style like the clone troopers.
You never get to sleep late and wake up fully rested on a Saturday morning.
What the fuck is wrong with these @#$#@!@# people.
How To Defend Yourself... #1
This tip is mainly for girls.
We all know that when you are threatened by would-be perverts or flashers, one way would be to knee them in the groin.
Here's one more to add to the list of arsenal of tricks:
How?
Grab him by his Adam's apple.
Explanation
Girls have small hands, so this is just the right trick (assuming your hands are free).
Using your master hand (the stronger one), grab the guy's throat, but not the WHOLE throat (you'll most probably be unable to anyway).
Dig your nails into both sides of the lump in the middle of the throat, as if you are trying to pick up a ball that's fallen into a hole.
Now, squeeze HARD and attempt to dig out the Adam's apple.
Effect
Your adversary will choke, giving you time to execute the groin-knee-smash.
Note: If you really have a strong grip, you will seriously incapacitate the opponent and possibly bruise his throat for weeks.
We all know that when you are threatened by would-be perverts or flashers, one way would be to knee them in the groin.
Here's one more to add to the list of arsenal of tricks:
How?
Grab him by his Adam's apple.
Explanation
Girls have small hands, so this is just the right trick (assuming your hands are free).
Using your master hand (the stronger one), grab the guy's throat, but not the WHOLE throat (you'll most probably be unable to anyway).
Dig your nails into both sides of the lump in the middle of the throat, as if you are trying to pick up a ball that's fallen into a hole.
Now, squeeze HARD and attempt to dig out the Adam's apple.
Effect
Your adversary will choke, giving you time to execute the groin-knee-smash.
Note: If you really have a strong grip, you will seriously incapacitate the opponent and possibly bruise his throat for weeks.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Advertisements And What They Mean Actually... (Part 1)
#1: On a certain English television channel
A white man is walking along an Asian street market when he sees an Asian girl who wishes to buy doves (pigeons?). The girl only has a few coins and is only able to buy 1 dove, but she needs a lot of the doves for good luck for her brother.
The white man sees this, and whips out his credit card to purchase all the doves in the Indian street market for the little girl.
What It Actually Means:
1. The white man walking admist the Asian street market, the only one wearing white in the advertisement, among the hawkers in the market, suggests that he is of a higher status than the rest of them.
It is also by no coincidence that all the hawkers are Indians, who are dark-skinned, suggesting a hint of indication of slavery of black men under the power of the white man.
2. The white man takes out his credit card, and all the hawkers in the market turn their heads.
If I wanted a prestigious credit card, I would want people of the highest calibre in society to turn heads. It is obvious that Asian street hawkers are stereotyped to fit none of that description.
#2: On a certain English television channel
A commercial for a worldwide courier service shows people, tailors, artists, peasants, holding part of a piece of a fabric and saying "For you, Amy".
The pieces of fabric come together and become a blouse, which is picked up by a man who calls to her friend (wife), who just so happens to be called Amy.
Amy then picks up the blouse and is so delighted, unaware that it is the courier service that has delivered the blouse to her from the hands of all the people in charge of producing the blouse.
What It Actually Means:
Again, another capitalist pig production.
1. Why must the by-production of the blouse involve only Asians, and the final customer depicted, be a white man?
Again, it seems to suggest subtly that the white man is not involved in manual labour work (harvesting of the cotton, sewing of the fabric, dyeing of the fabric etc). Only the Asians are involved in the hard labour, and the white man is only there to enjoy the fruits of the labour (of his slaves), if I may say so humbly.
A white man is walking along an Asian street market when he sees an Asian girl who wishes to buy doves (pigeons?). The girl only has a few coins and is only able to buy 1 dove, but she needs a lot of the doves for good luck for her brother.
The white man sees this, and whips out his credit card to purchase all the doves in the Indian street market for the little girl.
What It Actually Means:
1. The white man walking admist the Asian street market, the only one wearing white in the advertisement, among the hawkers in the market, suggests that he is of a higher status than the rest of them.
It is also by no coincidence that all the hawkers are Indians, who are dark-skinned, suggesting a hint of indication of slavery of black men under the power of the white man.
2. The white man takes out his credit card, and all the hawkers in the market turn their heads.
If I wanted a prestigious credit card, I would want people of the highest calibre in society to turn heads. It is obvious that Asian street hawkers are stereotyped to fit none of that description.
#2: On a certain English television channel
A commercial for a worldwide courier service shows people, tailors, artists, peasants, holding part of a piece of a fabric and saying "For you, Amy".
The pieces of fabric come together and become a blouse, which is picked up by a man who calls to her friend (wife), who just so happens to be called Amy.
Amy then picks up the blouse and is so delighted, unaware that it is the courier service that has delivered the blouse to her from the hands of all the people in charge of producing the blouse.
What It Actually Means:
Again, another capitalist pig production.
1. Why must the by-production of the blouse involve only Asians, and the final customer depicted, be a white man?
Again, it seems to suggest subtly that the white man is not involved in manual labour work (harvesting of the cotton, sewing of the fabric, dyeing of the fabric etc). Only the Asians are involved in the hard labour, and the white man is only there to enjoy the fruits of the labour (of his slaves), if I may say so humbly.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
What Girls Like (And Dislike)... #1
1. Girls do not like walking on the metal grilles that cover the sewerage system below the sidewalks. Neither do they like walking on the drainage covers, be it metallic covers, or slabs of concrete.
2. Girls do not like walking on sandy areas when there's a concrete sidewalk right next to it.
3. Girls do not like walking across big grassy fields (esp. at night) for the below reasons:
- There may be sand/mud in the field.
- There may be surprises! in the field, e.g, cockroaches or rats or slimey stuff.
- It gets their toes/feet dirty.
2. Girls do not like walking on sandy areas when there's a concrete sidewalk right next to it.
3. Girls do not like walking across big grassy fields (esp. at night) for the below reasons:
- There may be sand/mud in the field.
- There may be surprises! in the field, e.g, cockroaches or rats or slimey stuff.
- It gets their toes/feet dirty.
Weird Things People Do... #1 (And How To Counter Them)
Description:
Cutting their nails on the bus or MRT.
What You Need:
- 01 x Chair (if you are unable to find a seat on the bus/train)
- 01 x Pair of Scissors
- 01 x Big Piece of Cloth
- 01 x Friend
How To Do It:
Take a seat, and drape the cloth over your shoulders. Now get your friend to hold the scissors and begin trimming your hair.
How To React If You're Caught:
1. "They doing personal grooming what!? Why I cannot leh?"
2. "Eh they can cut nails in public place, why I cannot cut my hair oso?"
3. "You wan to catch me for littering, you must catch the fella cutting nails oso loh!!"
Cutting their nails on the bus or MRT.
What You Need:
- 01 x Chair (if you are unable to find a seat on the bus/train)
- 01 x Pair of Scissors
- 01 x Big Piece of Cloth
- 01 x Friend
How To Do It:
Take a seat, and drape the cloth over your shoulders. Now get your friend to hold the scissors and begin trimming your hair.
How To React If You're Caught:
1. "They doing personal grooming what!? Why I cannot leh?"
2. "Eh they can cut nails in public place, why I cannot cut my hair oso?"
3. "You wan to catch me for littering, you must catch the fella cutting nails oso loh!!"
The Significance of Signs Or Cockroach Bait...
At a neighbourhood supermarket (with chain stores islandwide), you can see a prominent sign displayed above the shelves where the eggs are:
DEAR CUSTOMERS,
NO SWOPPING OF EGGS PLEASE.
THANK YOU
It probably just indicates the type of people that frequents the supermarket.
--------------------------------------------------
On a lighter note, (at the same supermarket) picking up some groceries and queueing up in line for payment, there was this couple behind me who started piling up their groceries onto the conveyor belt at the cashiers. It consisted of the below items:
10 x COMBAT Cockroach Bait (Good enough for 3 months, or so says the box when I chanced upon the box on the shelves on my next visit later that day)
I wonder why they needed that much cockroach bait...
DEAR CUSTOMERS,
NO SWOPPING OF EGGS PLEASE.
THANK YOU
It probably just indicates the type of people that frequents the supermarket.
--------------------------------------------------
On a lighter note, (at the same supermarket) picking up some groceries and queueing up in line for payment, there was this couple behind me who started piling up their groceries onto the conveyor belt at the cashiers. It consisted of the below items:
10 x COMBAT Cockroach Bait (Good enough for 3 months, or so says the box when I chanced upon the box on the shelves on my next visit later that day)
I wonder why they needed that much cockroach bait...
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