Facts Of Life Which You Didn't Know, #7

Bus drivers generally aren't impressed nor happy when they see you chasing after their bus. Most drivers act blind/blur, and drive away when they see you from the corner of their eyes, running and flagging at them like some madman/madwoman.

This unhappiness is made even all the more worse when you manage to catch the bus with the other boarding passengers, after having the below odds against you:

- The bus-stop is 200 metres away from the traffic junction you are at.
- The bus is right beside you, stopped by the red light. You are stopped by the red man as well.
- There is another junction 100m away that turns red/green at the same time as this junction that you are standing at.
- You are only able to cross on the green man signal, and the bus has the green light to move off as well.

When you do catch up with the bus and board it, you will have already incurred the wrath of the bus driver. Angry glares at you will last throughout the whole of your bus ride.

Be forewarned.

Facts Of Life Which You Didn't Know, #6

We make mistakes, we learn from it. We swear never to do it again the next time we face a similar situation. And we stick to that promise and improve our lives as we grow older.

Now there is at least one person (whom I know) who doesn't stick to that rule. He never learns. He makes mistakes just like the rest of us, but he never learns from it.

And it's not like he's a retard. He's just as smart as you or me.

He just refuses to learn from his mistakes, nor listen to the advice of others. So in the end, he repeats his mistakes over and over and over again, countless times, multiple times, endless number of times.

Offer him casual advice when making small talk, towards the best of his interests, he rejects it outright.

Offer him serious advice when he's faced with a problem/dilemma (which anybody in the sane mind would take up because it's the only rationale choice left), he refuses to take it.

Give him personal tips on dealing with things/people/situations, he ignores it.

And he still runs up to that wall and knock himself over.

He's paid for his mistakes with just about anything in his life: his money, his time, his grades (in school), his efforts, his energy. But he still repeats it. The mistakes are everytime of similar nature.

If you're feeling down-in-the-dumps for committing a wrong, feel glad at yourself. Because you learn, and you understand what you should do the next time round.

Can Means Can, Cannot Means Cannot, Don't Talk So Much Cock...

If you've watched the 7pm fishball drama yesterday (Monday, 25th July 2005), you would know what I am talking about.

There was this rape scene in the show, and this guy was forcing himself onto the girl in the show. Guy pushes girl onto sofa, pins her hands down. Girl starts screaming like a real rape scene.

And then it goes downhill from then on.

Guy sticks his head into the girl's right shoulder, supposedly to kiss her neck, but we all know that he's only sticking his head in there. Then he sticks it to the left.

And to the right. Then to the left. He doesn't tear off the girl's dress, he doesn't reach to unzip his fly.

Left & right, left & right. Over and over again. Left and then right.

And that WAS a rape scene, mind you.

Maybe the girl's dress was too expensive to tear up for that scene. Maybe the guy hasn't worked up an erection yet (in which case he should be tearing up the dress to work one up). Maybe he forgot to pop that Viagra first before he tried getting at it... but I think we all know the truth.

On The Bus... #8 or The Pissing Dog

There was a boy, probably in his late teens, wanting to get off the bus. When the bus reached the bus-stop, there he stood, by the door, waiting to tap his card.

You and me, we just reach into our pockets fish our cards out, and tap our cards.

Him, he had his card in his trouser pocket, and he raised his leg to tap his card at the machine.

Talk about a Uniquely Singaporean experience.

No prizes for guessing how the boy looked like.

In A State Of Self-Denial

"We are not veteran swimmers."

"We are dolphins!"

"We are not children."

"We are champions!"

Sounds familiar? The Milo commercial on TV showing the 3 chewren swimming in the pool?

They seriously need a good psychiatrist; to be in such a bad stage of self-denial.

Facts Of Life Which You Didn't Know, #5

There is at least 1 man on the street who wears a red T-Shirt with a yellow star in the middle.

NDP and Fireworks

Personally, the sight of seeing girls and parents with their kids going gaga-goo-goo when they see fireworks at the annual parade is simply something which I cannot fathom at all.

Obviously, the fireworks cost a few hundred thousand dollars upwards.

Everytime I see a firework going off, my heart feels the pain.

"OMG it's SOooooOO PreEETTtYYY!!!!!"

Yeah yeah, there's your money up in the sky from the tax you pay.

On The Bus... # 7 or The Smiling Man

As the bus pulled into the bus stop, the alighting passengers started getting off the bus.

Among the alighting passengers was an old Indian man with a walking stick. He shuffled slowly to the front door, ailed by his old bones. As the whole bus waited for him, he got down the steps one at a time.

I have seen scores of elderly people who take it that they own the whole damned bus, even when some of them can just walk as fast as you or me after they get off the bus. And some of them go by the front door on purpose, jostling with the boarding passengers.

This man, he stepped onto the kerb, and turned around to wave his thanks to the bus driver. He flashed a toothless smile as well.

Categories of... EZ-Link Card Users

I have noticed that it is possible to categorise people according to their behaviour when using their EZ-Link cards on buses.

Type 1: The Normal Being
This is the normal Singaporean human being who uses the EZ-Link card as a normal human being would. This type of person would tap their cards, when getting off the bus. Sometimes they glance at the LCD displays when getting off, just to check how much value they have left.

Attitude: 7/10 (Pretty good I guess, since they do not obstruct other alighting passengers)
Cock-ups: 3/10 (You have to admit that there is a 30% chance that they behave like one of the other types below which I am going to mention)
Humour: 2/10 (Nothing to laugh about them, except when the 30% chance described above kicks in)

Type 2: The Blur One
This is the type of person who doesn't know that the no-entry sign on the LCD panel means that you cannot tap your card yet. This person will persistently tap his/her card on the machine while it is still displaying the no-entry sign, until somebody tells him/her that they cannot tap their cards yet, or they just give up due to exasperation.

Attitude: 4/10 (These people have probably been living in a bomb shelter since WWII)
Cock-ups: 7/10 (Quite a screw-up, to be ignorant of the no-entry sign and what it means. Luckily they do not bother alighting passengers when they alight)
Humour: 8/10 (A fun sight to laugh at, when you see them tapping their cards non-stop at the card reader)

Type 3: The Fly-Swatter
This type of person will stare intently at the card reader when alighting, holding their EZ-Link cards inches away from the card reader, waiting for it to unlock itself from the no-entry sign.

Once the card reader turns to EXIT status, they immediately smack their cards onto the card reader as if there was a fly on the card reader itself.

Attitude: 3/10 (You gotta admit that this group of people have an attitude problem to do that swatting.)
Cock-ups: 2/10 (Not much of a cock-up, they tap fast, and they get off fast. And they only smack when the card reader unlocks itself. No irritating "DI DI DI DI DI" sounds.)
Humour: 5/10 (Pretty much of a weird sight to see people behaving like this. Not so funny though)

Type 4: The Cool Cucumber
This type of person will never look at the LCD when they board/alight. They just tap, and go. Either they can't be bothered with the remaining value in their cards, or they are on concession passes.

Attitude: 9/10 (These cucumbers never cause any obstruction to alighting passengers, they get off quickly.)
Cock-ups: 6/10 (However, this group of people are prone to the "DI x 05" irritating beeping from the card reader, since they do not look when they tap.)
Humour: 1/10 (Nothing to laugh about them; they're cool)

Type 5: The Handbag Lady or The Muscle-Cramped Man
I think not much needs to be explained about the Handbag Lady; they just hide their cards inside their handbags, and lifts up the whole handbag to the card reader.

As for the MCM, they place their cards inside their chest pockets, and they bend down towards the card readers to tap their cards, refusing to take out their cards. Makes them look like their shoulders are having a cramp or something, or that they are sufferers of some kind of muscle disorder.

Attitude: 1/10 (They're lazy. What else can I say?)
Cock-ups: 9/10 (Most of the time they make the card readers beep non-stop, because their cards are in their handbags/pockets together with their metallic pens, keys, whatever.
Humour: 1/10 (Not funny at all when the whole bus-load of passengers is waiting for them.)

Type 6: The Blind One
These people should probably be carrying a walking stick or a walking aid, since they're probably blind or something. When boarding/alighting, they tend to stare at the FARE $0.38 ($0.25) (or just any other amount of fare), until the LCD changes back to ENTRY or EXIT. It is only when the card readers changes back to display the ENTRY or EXIT message do they then get off the bus.

Attitude: 1/10 (They probably don't know that they have a poor attitude, since they're blind.)
Cock-ups: 10/10 (Very. The bus is always delayed by this group of passengers.)
Humour: 1/10 (Not funny at all.)

PS: If I do leave out a certain type of people, please do leave a comment. Thanks.

On The Bus... #6 or The Bastard Man

The scenario was just another bus trip back home. A man walks to the door and presses the bell for the stop which I am getting off as well.

Bus pulls into bus stop, and lets us off the bus. Man gets off first, but refuses to step up to the pavement, because he wants to cross the road.

It just so happened that another bus pulled up behind the bus which we (me and the man) just got off. It was a bus which I wanted to transfer to.

Man stands in the bus-stop bay, and I'm standing on the pavement. It looked like the man wanted to board the bus, from the way he walked to the back of the bus we just dropped off, towards the other bus that just pulled in.

The bus behind pulls in only metres away from the man standing down there in the bus-stop bay. The man is motionless, waiting for the bus to stop before he attempts to squeeze past the buses to cross the road.

Bus driver thinks he wants to board the bus, but realises after a few seconds that he's been fooled when he sees the man motionless.

I walk up to the entrance of the bus, and the driver looks at me, but refuses to open the door, thinking that I am another joker. I raise my hand and wave at him, and he opens the door reluctantly.

Remind me to shoot the man next time I see him again.

Facts Of Life Which You Didn't Know, #4

There is at least one parent who insists that her mentally-handicapped child wears the ARMY vest on a regular basis when they hit the streets.

On The Bus... #5 or The Unlucky Man

It was a short bus trip. A man stood up to move towards the exit, just as the bus swerved round a corner.

The man lost his balance, and fell head forward towards the poles. He gripped the pole at the last minute, and recovered his balance, with a loud exclamation, "FUCK!!!".

I was getting off at the same stop, and so I moved towards the door as well. But I inadvertently stubbed his toes with my shoe. I shuffled away, but didn't mutter an apology.

As the bus pulled in and halted, I let the man get off the bus first. As he took that first step down the stairs, the momentum with which the bus stopped threw him off balance one more time, and he awkwardly stomped down the stairs.

As he walked away from the bus, he punched a lamp post as he passed by one.

The bus pulled out of the stop, and the man kept staring at the bus as it roared away.

The Death Of The Bamboo Poles...

Just on Friday, July 8, one reader wrote in to Today, citing his (or was it a her?) comments about the hazards of people who fall to their deaths while using bamboo poles to dry their clothes. And I quote:

"Then there is always the danger of the pole holders becoming loose, or the poles are not being secured, resulting in a high chance of them coming loose in strong winds, falling and hitting someone. Town Councils have restricted people from hanging objects such as potted plants outside windows. Wouldn't the use of bamboo poles fall under this category of accidents waiting to happen?"

And this smarty pants suggested the following:

Restrict the length of the poles if they are to be used outside the windows to 1m, for example. This will reduce the total weight of the pole and the clothes.

Eh hello? You stupid or what? 1m? How much clothes can you hang on a pole that is of only an arm's length? The bamboo poles in my home are already 4-5m long, and I've got 6 of them. So how many 1m bamboo poles you want me to buy? And where you want me to hang them, since the kitchen window only has 3 slots (can be overloaded to 5 poles at a time).

Conclusion: You are either a bamboo pole seller, or you are a stupid lazy-bum who doesn't wash your own laundry, or you are a spinster or single living alone who has only 3 pieces of clothings to wash every week.

Educate the public on the importance of checking the pole holders periodically to
ensure they are not loose. Officials should also do random checks to ensure compliance.

Oh great! You stupid fool! Singapore does not need another ARE-YOUR-BAMBOO-POLE-HOLDERS-SAFE? campaign. And thank you very much, you just gave the gahmen a great idea to get more money out of us, by having these random checks, and then implementing a possible "fine" to home owners with non-compliant pole holders. All in the education of the public, of course.

Conclusion: You probably aren't Singaporean, or you have been pretty supportive of all the campaigns that have been going on for the past few year (no campaign lethargic-ness). Or you probably think through the other end of your body by wanting the gahmen to interfere in this.

If all else fails, restrict the use of the poles to indoors.

A round of applause for this person please? Thank you! Let's get some facts straight first:

1. Indoor bamboo pole holders (those on the ceiling type) are normally located where? In the kitchen of course, where else? You don't see them in your bedroom, or the living room. So what happens when you are cooking in the kitchen, and your clothes are still wet and drying? Use your brain please.

2. If you are talking about those metal stands for propping up the bamboo poles, that's worse. Who in the right mind would want to devote 3-4 square metres of their already-cramped-pigeon-holes to their laundry? Use your brain please.

Conclusion: You either do not cook or use your kitchen ever, or you probably have never known what it means to "do your laundry".

It sometimes is really amusing to see this type of comments being published in the local papers. It probably will get the tourists or expats to ROFLMAO when they see this type of think-through-your-ass comments being made by the locals.

PS: I am 80% sure that this reader who wrote in is a woman. Because men simply won't be bothered about bamboo poles, nor people dying because of them. Next time, use your brain, bitch.

Facts Of Life Which You Didn't Know, #3

- A woman who is pretty.
- Somebody who likes exercising and sweating it out.
- Your neighbourhood stadium.

The above 3 things never go together.

Facts Of Life Which You Didn't Know, #2

There is at least one parent in this world who makes her mentally-handicapped child wear the ARMY vest when they hit the streets.