On The Bus... #14

Another day, another trip back home from school.

Bus is packed full, unusually full. Bus driver stops at the bus-stop, refuses to open the front door. He only opens the rear exit for passengers to alight.

Rowdy bunch of Caucasians and a couple of Indian women tries to board the bus from the exit.

I was standing near the entrance, with my friend right at the entrance. I exclaimed to my friend, "Sui wor (dialect for "Nice", in a sarcastic tone of course), boarding from the exit!"

I suppose the bus driver heard my exclamation, for he stood up and turned around and started shouting at the "illegal passengers" who tried to board from the exit.

They reluctantly alighted from the bus, and made their way to the entrance.

Stupid bunch of ill-mannered people.

PS: This is Singapore, not some developing country where you can get a ride so long as you can attach yourself to any part of the bus. The next time you smart alecks want to try boarding from the exit, don't try to tap your stupid cards at the exit machine, because you will just alert the driver and the rest of the passengers on the bus, that you're an ill-mannered moron.

Just Another Day In School... #8

Another day in school, another lecture.

A girl comes in, dressed to the nines. She has her hair dyed reddish brown. She sits down.

A few moments later, she starts scratching her head like there's lices in there.

***** One hour later *****

An ominous "PuUUuuuuuuuu" comes out from her direction.

She speaks with a weird accent.

Advertisements And What They Mean Actually... (Part 2)

#3: On a certain English radio channel

You are enjoying the music on your favourite English channel, and then this advertisement cuts over:

Woman 1: "I want to catch dramas and shows before anyone else."

Man 1: "I want to enjoy commercial free movies."

Girl 1: "I wanna make my own short films."

Man 2: "(Sighs)... I just want to satisfy all that I want."

Voice: "Sign up for YYY's Digital Cable TV!"

What in the @#$@@#$^^ world has "making your own short films" have to do with signing up for cable television channels? I don't see the connection here.

If there is indeed a connection here, I think the below advertisements would all qualify as well:

Proposition One:
Woman: "I like baking cakes."
Voice: "Come to XXX Cakery! Our cakes are delicious!"

Proposition Two:
Man: "I love teaching kids how to play soccer."
Voice: "Get your tickets now for the XXX Cup Finals where YYY will pit against ZZZ!"

Proposition Three:
Man: "I love making homemade beer."
Voice: "Buy a six-pack of TTT Genuine Beer and get 1 can free!"

I never did see the connection. I really never did.

On a side note, Man 2 is probably lying as well. There are no adult cable channels over here in Singapore, so how can he ever possibly claim that YYY's Digital Cable TV satisifies all that he wants?

There is no man in this world that can claim that he has all that he wants, when there are no adult channels showing on local (cable) television at all.

Yeap, the man's gay, or paid. Or, he's straight, which is why he sighed so heavily before commenting sarcastically.

i-Gallop or Sybian?

Surfing over to the US website of OSIM, http://www.osim-usa.com/main.html , you see no mention of the newest product of OSIM, i-Gallop.

Googling around, it seems that the i-Gallop is only available in Singapore and Hong Kong. I suppose there's plenty of lonely housewifes in their late 30s all the way to late 40s.

Here's an online news article based on the product, courtesy of AsiaOne:

http://health.asiaone.com.sg/fitness/20060115_001.html

I quote from the article:

"Madam Irene Go, 40, a housewife, likens the experience to 'riding a horse, except that the movement is smoother'."

Now here's an article about masturbation, courtesy of Reference.com:

http://www.reference.com/browse/wiki/Masturbation

I quote from the article (in case you don't have the time to read it):

"This continued well into Victorian Era, where such medical censure of masturbation... in line with the widespread social conservatism...

... and for girls to be forbidden from riding horses and bicycles because the sensations these activities produce were considered to be too similar to masturbation."

Now we all know where Madam Irene Go is coming (cumming?) from.

To put things on a lighter note, here's another link, from Wikipedia that describes the "Sybian", a product that first made its appearance in 1985:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sybian

No need for explanations, just click and you'll see which product is the real McCoy.

Then again, it might be because they have the Sybian in the non-Asian countries, so this is a way of introducing something more in line with the conversative attitude adopted by Asian housewifes.

Note: If in the event that the involved parties mentioned in the above URLs, or the context used throughout this blog entry, is unhappy in any way or if there is a violation of copyrights or trademarks, just drop a comment in this blog entry.

I will have the relevant information removed, no questions asked.

Just Another Day In School... #7

First we had the folks who wanted to rent textbooks; a far-fetched idea, but not a ridiculous idea actually. Now we have this:

I have no idea what she is trying to do.

Pimples...

Ever noticed that when you're sitting down doing something, and your fingers wander across your face looking for zits to pop, you suddenly find this "gold mine" that gushes gold aplenty?

You stop suddenly, and run to get your mirror.

And when you're in front of the mirror, you lose the gold mine.

It always happens.

Coins...

Have you ever noticed that the 1997 batch of coins seem to be pretty new for their age, even compared to coins issued of a later year?

When You're A Guy In Your Mid-20s...

1. That kid blocking your way deliberately in the middle of the road stares at you when you tell him to get out of the way.

2. You have to let the old lady who tries to cut your queue go before you, otherwise you're gonna get it from the people around you as a "young man who has no respect for the elders".

3. You have to let the bitchy bitch who queues up to a closed counter at your neighbourhood MacDonald's go first. You started queuing five full minutes before her.

Note: You might say, "Five minutes only leh! Why you comprain so much?"

Ok, now YOU go to your nearest MacDonald's, stand somewhere out of the way, then start your watch and wait until it says 5"00"00.

Think it's short? Think again. How many times did you change legs to stand on during that 5 full minutes?

4. You are expected to give up your seat to elderly folks who behave brazenly on the public bus or train.

5. You have to be shoved aside by an old lady on the bus who keep mumbling the few words, "...blocking my way... have to get off here... @#$$$#@^^# (curses and swear-words).

The point is, you are already standing soOOOooooo close to the seats and the handle bars of the bus, that you might anytime be misinterpreted as doing a pole-dance on the bus.

In short, there is actually nobody blocking the old bitch's way, yet she has to stick out her hand to shove the young man (not me!) out some more (into the sitting passenger), cursing and swearing.

New Year Wishes

Well, better late (by 4 days) than never. Here's my wishes for the New Year:

1. Kids running around in public places while making a hell lotta noise, should be put on leashes.

Only quiet kids may be allowed to roam without a leash, else they will be shot on the spot by security forces, on the charge of "I thought the kid was screaming like those terrorists that run into people with strapped bombs on their bodies!!! So I shot him down!"

2. That there will be no kayu-ness (corruption/stupidity) in enrolment of students into local universities.

Mandatory English examinations to be conducted for all students who do not have a good grade in GP (General Paper).

The examiners must stop letting these students enrol into local universities without sitting for the examination.

Note: Oh wait?! Did you say that they DID take their English entry examinations? So what is it with the large number of non-local university students who cannot even hold a proper English conversation! How the hell did they pass the examinations then??? ANSWER ME!!!

3. Bus companies will not lie and cheat to the commuters anymore.

Scenario:
There are 3 bus services serving a bus stop:

Bus Service A is advertised by the company as having a frequency of 17 minutes.
Bus Service B is advertised with a frequency of 14-18 minutes.
Bus Service C is advertised with a frequency of 10-13 minutes.

Question:
What is the probability of YOU waiting at the bus stop for 25 minutes, with not a single bus driving by during that 25 minutes?

Answer:
Theoretically speaking from a mathematical point of view, together with statistical analysis, the probability should be 0 (zero).

Counting the fact that it was not only a single bus service (the single bus may have broken down, constituting twice the time waited, OK ACCEPTED). But 3 bus services! I can guarantee with my pants and my family heirloom that the probability is > 0.

Stop lying already, you liars! Fare hikes are justified, yet the same f-up standard of bus service? My foot!

Note: Here's a great idea: Since they can have an "auto-updating of fare stages" system, it would be fair to make it a time-keeping system as well.

If the bus driver pulls into the bus stop out of the advertised bus frequency timing, the EZ-Link readers will be DI DI DI DI DI-ing non-stop at a sound level of 110dB into a personal earphone hooked up into one of the ears of the bus driver.

Oh yeah, and make the bus ride free as well by including the snippet of code into the EZ-Link card readers as well:

if (bus pulls in > advertised frequency timing)
bus ride = free;

4. In Singapore, it is legal to kill a crow, and not be charged for animal abuse.

Well, that's not really a wish. I propose this law be extended to include non-native conmen.

So, make it legal to kill a non-native conmen, and not be charged for murder.

Think of it as ridding the Singapore society from a public nuisance.

You know their tricks, you know what they're thinking, all they want is your money.

"Okay, I'll give you my money, now I'll take your life, you low-down filthy animal!"

5. Have tourists go through an etiquette course before landing into Singapore.

Don't believe me? Take a look around you, just head towards any tourist spot in Singapore, e.g, Zoo, Bird Park, Sentosa, etcetra.

Here's just the tip of the iceberg on what you might get to see:

a.) Albino tourists going to Sentosa, and falling sick all over the place. They sit down in a single chair, and still try to lean over to YOUR chair, because they are falling sick all over the place. Wearing sunglasses and covering their faces and eyes from the Sun, they fall sick all over the place.

HELLO??!! It's SENTOSA right? What the HELL are you doing here? Stay in your hotel for goodness' sake, or go to some indoor shopping mall where the sun won't parch your already-diseased skin.

Don't go running to places like Sentosa where you know for sure the sun is going to be scorching hot, and then falling sick all over the place. Your tour guide did tell you that, or did you refuse to listen?

b.) Little bastard kids chattering in a tongue you never understood, and standing up at the front row seats to some performance at your favourite tourist attraction.

They're blocking your view!

Shouting at them gives no response; they're all walking dead, the damned bunch of them zombies.

c.) You go into the performance area and find a seat. The show's going to be popular, and you're there 45 mins early.

You find yourself a seat luckily, because even at that sort of time, there is already a light crowd. Your seats give you the best view (luckily), and you feel relaxed, enjoying the view around you at the tourist attraction...

Just 5 minutes before performance showtime, you see a HUGE INFLUX of tourists into the performance area.

They sidle up next to you, and then you're being herded by the seat attendent to "squeeze a little" so that they can fit in 15 of the weird-smelling tourists into the bench that was originally for 10.

Note: This is Singapore, where kiasu-ness is part of the local culture. You have to "adapt to the local culture", as the Chinese saying goes. Go for the performance an hour earlier if you want to outdo the locals at the game.

If you're late and there's no seat left already, BUGGER OFF. Don't come running in late, and then demanding to have a seat so that you can watch the bloody performance.

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Happy 2006 to all!!! Cheers!